


Love Me Still

by Sonny



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-04
Updated: 2004-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-13 14:17:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/138284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a heartbreaking desertion from Ben, Michael recedes from life... Brian is there to help pick up the shattered pieces. After everything that has happened, Brian has one question that he still needs answered?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For my B/M *patchwork* family of fans, readers, fellow fic writers and cyber-sisters... I love you all and hope that one day our dreams may come true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
 **Love Me Still**

 

 

 _  
**By Chaka Khan**   
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~~  
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 **Here is my hand for you to hold,**  
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 **Here's the part of me they have not sold,**  
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 **I've wandered far, I've had my fill,**  
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 **I need you now, do you love me still?**  
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**Only you have seen, the hidden part of me,**   
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**Call me foolhardy if you will,**   
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**I loved you when, do you love me still?**   
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**So many smiles and lies surround me,**   
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**Empty expectations, faceless fears,**   
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**Sometimes this life is a bitter pill,**   
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**I love you now, do you love me still?**   
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**You have been mine since time untold,**   
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**Our love is immortal, don't you know?**   
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**Others will come, and they will go,**   
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**But I loved you young, I love you old.**   
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**Only you have seen, the other side of me,**   
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**Call me naive, I think you will,**   
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**But I loved you then, do you love me still?**   
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**Here are the eyes that only see you,**  
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 _  
 **Here is the mouth that only calls your name,**  
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 **Here is the soul that can not kill,**  
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 **I love you now, do you love me still.**  
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*************************************************  
**

 

 **EARLY MORNING CELLPHONE CONVERSATION**

 

**  
*************************************************

“Did you...?”

“Yeah... I found him. He’s here with me.”

A heavy sigh echoed through the line. “Oh! Shit! What a fuckin’ relief!” A few sniffles and the blowing of a nose was heard. “How... uh, was he?”

“There’s no need for tears. He’s as good as we thought. Hadn’t showered, or shaved, in days. Tattered clothes... just like his heart.” The voice was cleared as it battled it’s own emotional state. “Fuckin’ Ben...”

“Shut up!” The voice tried to hold back the sobs. “Remember... we agreed to let him handle this the way he wanted, but...”

“No. Not this way. It was never supposed to reach this level.”

“How far away are you?”

“Far enough from anything and anyone... other then me.”

“You’re not even gonna tell ME, are you? When you’re ready, you can trust me. I won’t...” There was a pause, then the conversation picked back up. “Never mind. At least you’re with him. If it had to be any of us, I’m glad it’s you.”

“I didn’t know you held me in such high esteem.”

“Right now, sweetie... you’re the fuckin’ Mother Theresa of Pittsburgh.” Another sniffle sounded. “I don’t think you know how much I’ve grown to like you...”

“Don’t get mushy on me. You’ll ruin my Master Plan to overtake the world.” The voice tried to snicker but it came out like a snort. Maybe this was a bad time to try to scrounge up some humor. “Anyway... it’s not that I wouldn’t trust you. I’m thinking about HIM, at the moment. I know he’s fairly certain the world doesn’t care whether he continues to go on with his life or not. There’s been too many confidences broken. I’m not about ready to put both our names on that list. If I did, I may as well slit his wrists myself.”

“Stop! Don’t get melodramatic with me! That’s MY job!” There was a nervous tone that showed an understanding to the severity of the condition of their mutual friend.

“Hang on... I think he’s coming out of the shower...” Covering the mouth piece, the voice spoke at a low timber.

“That’s my cue. Call me... later...”

“Yeah... sure... much...”

The telephone connection was broken.

********************************************  
********************************************

  
“Hey, sexy!”

“Fuck you!” Wrapped in a huge, engulfing mauve terry-cloth bath towel, Michael climbed back under the fluffy comforter. Once he was completely hidden, and safe from wandering eyes, he stripped the towel off, throwing the unneeded item on the floor.

“Grouch!” Brian approached the end of the large master suite’s queen size bed. There was a small padded bench at the bottom of the footboard. He lifted a foot to the surface.

“Asshole!” Michael popped his head out long enough to bark out.

Brian hefted his body onto the bench, climbing over the footboard. He kicked at the form of Michael’s leg shaped by the covers. “Hey, sleepyhead! What do you want to do today?” He sat down on the ledge of the footboard.

“GO! AWAY!” From under the linen, Michael’s muffled voice began to speak. “You wanted me to get out of the apartment, I did that. You wanted me to come away with you, keep you company... I’m here... so I’ve done that! You threw me into the shower, disgusted by the way I smelled... I begrudgingly took one. What more do you want from me?! Now... leave me alone!”

“No can do, Mikey! I told you, I’m on vacation. I’m here to have fun.” Brian kicked at Michael again, trying to annoy him out of bed. Especially if he was naked underneath all the blankets. That would be a lovely sight, indeed.

“And I TOLD you I wasn’t gonna be good company, yet you insisted on draggin’ my ass along with you. It’s your loss!”

Brian began to jump up-n-down on the expensive mattress. “Wake up! I made you breakfast! Come on! The day’s wastin’ away! It’s gorgeous outside! Don’t be such a bummer!”

Michael lifted the comforter's hemmed edge slightly, so his words could be clearly heard. “I don’t wanna do anything. I’m perfectly content in doing nothing. If you wanted a loyal companion to trump around with, breathing down your neck and trailing behind your sweet ass, like a puppy dog... you won’t find it here! Why the hell didn’t you leave me right where I was?”

“Because...” Brian’s jumping slowed down to a minimal jostling.

Brian paused for too long. Michael popped his head out again. “Yeah? Because what?”

Now, Brian was simply standing on the bed, looking down at Michael, hands on his hips. “I don’t know.” He shrugged actually realizing he didn’t know what to say. “I missed you. Is that a crime?” He sounded like he was getting ready to pout, very un-Brian-like.

“Who’s fault was that?”

“Don’t say it!”

“Say what?”

“That glib comment you always prepare yourself to say whenever either of us makes the slightest mention that we’ve been apart for too long.”

“What *glib comment*?”

“The one that usually includes Justin’s name.”

“That’s not fair! Your comments always included Ben’s name!” This heated discussion was bringing Michael from under the covers. He was beginning to sit himself against the pillows and headboard, crossing his arms over his chest bundled in the thick comforter.

“Well, then isn’t it good that they're out of our lives? We can both move on.”

“What do you mean... *they*? What are you tryin’ to tell me?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Brian raised a sculpted eyebrow.

The realization began to settle on Michael’s face. He lost some of his anger and frustration toward his best friend. He drew up his knees, sitting forward to wrap his arms around them. He set his chin on top, gazing ahead of him, through the bay window in the master suite bedroom. It overlooked the spectacular mountain view. “When?” Michael choked out the small question.

“Before you came back with Hunter.”

Michael closed his eyes, shutting himself down. “Christ!” He turned his head to lay his cheek on his knees, gazing out at the view through the French doors. They opened out onto a wide deck, which overlooked the wide expanse of woods and the flowing river beside the land. Mother Nature at her most appealing and breathtaking. “I’d ask you, ‘Where was I?’... but I think I could answer that myself.”

Brian hated to hear the stilted tone to Michael’s voice. Always hopeful to be *everything* to everyone in their time of need. “It’s not your job. You’ve done enough for me, throughout the years. Sometimes it’s good for me to be on my own, work out my demons.” He situated himself to sit, Indian-style, on the bed. He picked at the pattern on the comforter.

Michael’s hand reached out to latch itself around Brian’s wrist, rubbing up the forearm. “But it doesn’t mean sitting back and watching you suffer in pain and make you feel like I didn’t care. You never mentioned a thing once I was back in Pittsburgh.”

Brian covered his hand over Michael’s, removing it from his arm, but keeping it in his grip. He began to massage the fingers, one by one, seemingly fascinated by their quiet beauty. Such small hands, but such strength in them. He felt like kissing each delicate digit. But... there was time for that later. When he looked up, Brian realized Michael was intensely staring at him, perplexed by his somber, emotional state. He cleared his throat, smashing Michael’s hand in between his two palms. He threaded his fingers with Michael’s, placing his other one on top of the soft skin. “I always know you care. You’re never far from my mind. You’re hard to forget, Mikey.”

Michael smirked, squeezing Brian’s hand in his own. “So are you. Even when it looks like I’m moving on, I’m right where I’ve always been. Behind you...”

Shaking his head in wonderment, Brian glanced intently into Michael’s warm, childlike eyes. “Funny, I’ve always pictured it being... right beside me. Never *behind* me. That makes me look conceited and aloof... self-absorbed, somewhat. Like you’re nothing but a devoted fan.”

“I do admire you, Brian. I respect you more then anyone else. Your thoughts and opinions matter to me, even as warped and fucked-up as they are.” Michael chuckled, hoping to work off this strange expression of doubt on Brian’s face.

Brian snickered in kind, nodding his head in agreement. “Saying what I mean has brought me wonderful friendships and lovely acquaintances.” He rolled his eyes at the loose comment.

“It brought me to you. I love that part of you.”

“I want my *sidekick* back, Mikey.”

Michael wanted to pull his hand from Brian’s grasp. “What are you talking about?” He was slowly drawing back in his emotional shell, away from pain and heartache.

“I haven’t been able to find your replacement. You’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill.” Brian’s index finger began to draw circles on Michael’s skin.

“It’s a harrowing task to manage. I’ve been a bit... preoccupied.” Michael tried to stem the tears, swallowing the lump in his throat. He didn’t want Brian to see him cry, like a baby.

Brian knew this would be difficult to get through, for both of them. He had to do this. He had to walk through the fire in order to come out fully intact and whole. And his plan included bringing Michael with him. If he was going to heal, Brian wanted Michael to share in the experience. “Despite what it may have looked like, while it was happening... Ben loved you, Michael...” He felt Michael tug for his hand back. “Don’t!”

“Stop right now, Brian.” Michael’s voice softly begged for penance.

“I can’t. This has been a long time coming. It’s time.”

“Time for what? For you to rub my face in my idiocies? My mistakes? Like Ma does? I already know how sad and pathetic you think I am. You never forget to remind me.” Michael puffed out an awkward laugh.

“No... it’s time for me to grow up. Catch up with your maturity level.” Brian used his grip on Michael’s hand to draw his body closer. “I’m being serious here, Michael. Ben loved you, better then I could have hoped for you. Hell, maybe even better then I ever had. It’s been difficult, but I came to that conclusion. I had to, in order to think this through... for you. To help you lay the past to rest.”

“Lay what past to rest? Ben left me two weeks ago. It’s still fresh in MY mind!”

“It may as well have been two months ago. Did you think you could do this alone?”

“I was gonna make an effort. You weren’t around, Emmett was still reeling from the break-up with Ted and getting his catering business started, Teddy’s in rehab... who could I have turned to, huh? Tell me, ‘cause a few weeks ago it really didn’t seem to matter that I had returned home at all.”

“I know. In a really weird way, I’m trying to apologize here.”

“There’s no need...”

“There’s every fuckin’ need, you little shit!”

“Damn! You can be an unfeeling bastard sometimes, Brian!”

“I never knew you could perfect becoming a good liar, Michael.”

Michael’s boiling anger dissipated into confusion. “Excuse me!?”

“YOU! Michael Charles Novotny... are a bold faced liar!” Brian released his hold on Michael’s hand, as if disgusted by the fact.

Michael sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head on the wooden headboard. “Oh, please... I’m dying to hear this reasoning.”

“Good! Because I’m getting awful tired of being the *cheerleader* on the sidelines to someone who doesn’t even want to play the game.”

“What *game*?”

“It’s not literal, Michael... it’s a metaphor. A hypothetical *game*, of sorts.” Pinching the bridge of his nose, Brian shook his head. “Can I talk? Before you make me forget what I was trying to say?”

“Fine!”

“Excellent!”

“Do it!”

“I will!”

“OH-kay!”

“Shut up! Don’t get sassy!”

“Make me!” Pushing off the headboard, Michael moved climbed to his knees, shoving his face into Brian’s line of vision. He felt like sticking out his tongue, but something made him stop the childish thought.

Arching up out of his sitting position, Brian dove in to silence Michael.

Mouths connecting that were used to a familiar companionship. The combination of lips knew how to shape and mold to fit the pliable flesh. They knew every delectable inch to cover. But this time... this time there was a change in the feelings behind the simple act. The kiss wasn’t meant to hurt or drive away a sexual lust. This one was building on love and regret. A dying kiss meant to resuscitate some long dormant emotion. A desperation of discovery.

Brian had to break contact when he felt Michael’s need grow insistent and cruel, like he wanted to take some initiative to forget his suffering. He fisted the comforter over Michael’s chest, holding him at bay, trying to catch his breath. He couldn’t allow Michael to feel this vulnerable, allow him to use his body to salve the bitterness.

“Now...” Brian had a hand on Michael’s shoulder, keep him close but at a safe distance. There was time for THAT later. He had to refocus. “Where was I? Oh... yeah... you’re a *liar*, Michael, because I know exactly what you want to be doing, right now.”

Biting his lip, Michael tried to keep the words back that he wanted to scream at Brian. “Enlighten me, O’Wise One.”

“You’re furious...”

“You’re a genius.”

“You’re upset and annoyed.”

“Du-ha!”

“You’re wishing for a decent excuse to punch me right now.”

“How’d you know that?” Michael furrowed his brow. That feeling had only crept up this instant.

Brian shrugged. “Feeling’s mutual, Michael. Except I simply feel like *shoving* you. My frustration hasn’t built up to *punching*, yet.”

“What’s your point?” Michael was more unsettled by the kiss he just shared with Brian. Something had changed between them. The dynamics had flipped. Brian had taken over the modest and humble role, while Michael had practically tried to devour him. He was slightly embarrassed, a little ashamed.

Brian noticed the blush overcoming Michael’s naked skin. “Who said I had one?”

“Oh... for Christ’s sake!” If Brian was playing some *game* with him, Michael wanted to go back to sleep.

“Let me finish, smart ass.”

“I’d rather be a *smart ass*, then a *dumb* one!”

Hand behind Michael’s head, Brian muffled the loud mouth with his other palm. “Shut! The Fuck! UP! I have the floor!”

 

 **==========tbc...==========**

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

  
Michael’s wide, curious eyes conveyed his silent agreement. He added his sweeping hand for effect.

Brian never removed his hand, though.

Michael was forced to breath through his nose.

“You want to die, right?!” Brian nodded, when Michael began to shake his head. “Stop lying! In fact, you think you’re already *dead*, because your numb. You’ve turned off all sense of feeling since you’re all cried out. You feel really shitty and sorry for yourself. You’ve tapped your body of all it’s valuable energy. There’s nothing left to hurt. Everything shattered to pieces. Every inch of you has been lain bare to the world... and she’s not cutting you one bit of slack. You’re bitter. You’re ashamed that you, once again, believed that your happiness depended on someone else. And THAT someone might have loved you less then you thought. When had it happened? Why didn’t someone warn you? Wasn’t there anyone looking out for you? For the welfare of your heart?” He slowly lowered his hand as he noticed the realization strike Michael’s eyes that it was time to talk about some serious issues. Playtime was over. Michael had innocently piled his own hands on his lap with the bunched up material of the blankets, Brian placed his hands over Michael’s. He wasn’t finished. “You’re tired.” His finger came up to brush under Michael’s darkened circles and puffy bags under those kind eyes. “Exhausted by the simple idea of waking up and moving on. All you know... what you’re pretty sure of... is that the moment you step out the front door, whomever works the *magic* upstairs is simply waiting for another chance to drop the proverbial *falling piano* on your obtuse head.” Brian went to remove his finger, but Michael frantically reached out to clamp on tight.

Michael brought Brian’s palm to his cheek, dipping his face into the soft curve of the skin. He shut his eyes at the comforting sensations Brian’s touch always gave him. This is what he missed most. Validation that somewhere, deep inside, HE... Michael... existed. And he was still adored... by someone. Even if it was Brian’s half-assed attempts that never amounted to anything but close friendship. If that was all... all that he could get right now, Michael wanted it... with everything that was left in him. “Ben... uh, he... uh... I think...” He tried to talk through his jumbled emotions. Brian’s words echoed in his ears. He hated showing any weakness in front of Brian. He wished he could be as stoic and cool as Brian always seemed to be. “I don’t know what to say.” He let out a long breath.

“At least you’re admitting something. It’s okay to be unsure of the WHYs, but stop lying to yourself... and me, that you don’t at least FEEL affected by it. Ben brought out the best parts of you, Michael. It’s rare to find someone who can understand you so well.”

“Why are you doing this, Brian? Where were you two weeks ago? Fuck... even a week ago. I thought... I’d lost you, too.” That seemed to overpower Michael more then simply mentioning Ben’s name. His hands quickly covered his eyes.

“Ssshhh. Hush!” Brian crawled under the blankets with Michael, drawing him into his embrace, leaning back against the headboard. Michael buried his face in his chest, wrapping his arms about Brian’s trim waist and holding on for dear life. Brian brushed his fingers through Michael’s drying raven black lengths, pressing his lips to the sweet smelling hair. He rested his cheek on the top of Michael’s head. “You could never lose me, Michael. We’re the Dynamic Duo, remember? Since time began.”

Wiping under his nose, Michael sniffled through his tears. “Same here. Nothing could possibly tear us apart. Our bond is strong and unconditional. Our love is...” He could hear the fast pulsating thumps of Brian’s heart. What had he just been about to say?

Brian’s interest was peaked. What had Michael been trying to say? “Is what?”

“Never mind.” Michael shook his head, burying his face in Brian’s shoulder.

“Do you, Michael?” Brian searched for Michael’s hand, tucked under the space between their flush chests. In his grip, Brian traced a path down towards Michael’s biceps, squeezing the compact body as close as he could get.

“Do I what?”

“Still love me?” Brian hated how defenseless he sounded. Like his whole being depended on Michael’s answer.

“Ah... uh, well... I, uh...” Michael lifted his head, wanting to look deeply into Brian’s eyes. His only reason for pausing was to find out where this question was coming from.

But Brian took the silence as a different answer altogether. Shaking his head, Brian patted Michael’s bare flesh, working himself out of the bed. “Sorry. That was stupid of me. You don’t have to answer that.” He tried not to feel hurt by the non-reply. “There’s breakfast on the deck.” In his crazed, nervous state, Brian reached for his pack of smokes and lighter. “When you’re decent... uh, dressed... I’ll be waiting outside... whenever you’re ready... uh, hungry...” Placing the butt between his lips, Brian quickly escaped across the bedroom and out the French doors. He left the door open a bit to allow the warm, refreshing breeze to come in.

Michael was a little bewildered by Brian’s quick exit. It wasn’t like him to leave things up in the air. The old Brian would have pestered him to no end. It was deflating to realize that Brian might have changed while he was gone. And Brian had been without his best friend to seek comfort from, trying to flounder around and make it through his own heartache. Michael knew Brian had loved Justin in his own way. And that was strangely okay. He was pretty sure that the kid wasn’t able to touch certain parts of Brian that were his alone. Why else would he doubt that, when Justin, apparently, had chosen to move on... without Brian? He slowly climbed out of bed, standing for a moment to sneak a peek at Brian.

The cigarette had been lighted and he was blowing clouds of smoke into the fresh air. The lithe frame strutted over to the wooden railing of the deck. In just a loose pair of grey sweat pants, bare chest and bare feet, Brian managed to exude his sexuality in every tiny movement. Leaning his arms on the surface of the stained wood, Brian hung over the railing, looking out onto the fast-paced flowing river. The puny waves crashing against the crowds of rocks haphazardly placed along the river bed.

Michael walked closer to the open French door, lost in the feel of knowing that Brian was attempting to get something out of him. He cared, there was no doubt on that fact. But how much?, was what worried Michael.

Now that they were both single, again, what did that mean for them? Their friendship... and anything else that might emerge in the next few days... months... or, gosh, years... what was in store?

Michael had on a pair of Joe Boxer undershorts, so there was truly no need to hide. He moved to the bag that Brian had packed for him without his knowledge, last night. He was shocked to find that there had been enough time to fold each set of clothes perfectly. Brian must have planned this for him for a long time. Had he really been alone for those two weeks or had he just been too numb to recall Brian even showing up?

The bag was stuffed full of plenty of clothes. Brian had said they’d be here for only the weekend. This couldn’t ALL be for him. Were they sharing a bag? It looked like all his stuff in the pockets and spaces. His toothbrush, toothpaste. His brush and comb. His deodorant, shampoos and cologne. Michael wasn’t phased by the condoms and KY Jelly, because he generally used this bag for small trips. It could have been there since vacations of long ago. He shook his head in befuddlement as he pulled out a pair of long cotton gym shorts. He put them on with ease, pulling the drawstring tight.

Michael forgot to pass the mirror in the bedroom to fix his hair, but he pretty much figured with the way the wind was blowing it would end up mussed anyhow. Once he stepped outside, Brian glanced over his shoulder toward him, giving him a sad smile. He went back to looking at the river. He sniffed and scratched at tip of his top lip.

“I’ve already eaten, so you can have whatever’s left.” Brian let the cigarette hang between his fingers, allowing it to burn to the end. He only puffed on it once, or twice, blowing smoke out the side of his mouth.

“Thanks.” Michael crossed his arms over bare chest, tucking his hands under his arm pits. He wandered over to Brian’s side, enjoying the view with him. “It’s gorgeous.” **And so are you** Michael quietly kept that to himself. “How did you find this place?” He leaned in a similar manner across the railing, linking his fingers together.

Brian lifted one shoulder to shrug. “Stumbled upon it, really. I’d tell you it was part of a dream I had, but you might think I was crazy.” He mashed the butt out on the ceramic dish he’d brought over from the small table. His cigarettes and lighter were balanced on top of each other.

“Not like I haven’t thought that a thousand time before.” Michael snickered as he brushed his arm against Brian’s bunched biceps, knocking their hips together. “Hardy har-har.” All he got, in response, was a sniffle, a somber smirk and the shake of Brian’s head.

Brian rested his cheek on his biceps to look over at Michael. “See what I mean? I’ll never win.” His eyes moved back to look down at the crisp green grass of the back yard and wide-open wooded area. “No one takes me seriously. Even you.”

“And who’s fault is that?” Michael rubbed his hand over Brian’s hunched back, pulling his body to Brian’s side. He rested his chin on the available shoulder. His fingers cupped around the rib cage, tapping out a rhythm.

“Touche, Mikey, Touche.” Brian patted Michael’s cheek.

“Can I ask you a favor?”

“Anything, you know that?”

“Good.” Michael drew back from Brian’s body, his hand held out in friendship. “Sit with me. You don’t have to eat. Simply share a cup of coffee.... chit-chat... smoke another ciggy... gaze at me lovingly and make goo-goo eyes... watch me chow down, tell me I’m fat... just...” Michael squeezed his fingers around Brian’s hand. “... don’t run away, again. Okay?”

Using his other hand to pick up his cigarette, lighter and dish, Brian slowly nodded his head. He reciprocated a tug on Michael’s hand, making him pause. “I’m warning you... I’ll do the *lovingly* thing, but Brian Kinney doesn’t DO *goo-goo eyes*, got that?” Brian made his point with a finger in Michael’s face.

Chuckling, Michael dragged Brian reluctantly to sit at the table. He held his chair out for Brian, waiting for him to sit so he could push him in. Brian kept a watchful eye on Michael, unsure of whether the chair wouldn’t be there once he tried to sit. The sheepish smile was a dead giveaway to some childish antics in the works.

Safely situated, Brian watched Michael sit next to him. That hadn’t been where he placed Michael’s plate. He turned his chair to face Michael, content to gaze *lovingly* like he promised.

Michael reached across the table, shoving the centerpiece out of the way and messing up Brian’s delicate decorations. “Mmmm... looks delicious.”

Brian had been resting in his chair, able to catch a random sight of Michael’s taunt ass in his face. “Tell me about it.” He muttered, quickly turning away to subside the ache in his groin. Christ! He found something to kick around on the deck floor, a random pine cone.

“What?” Michael retook his seat, glancing over at Brian.

“Nothing. Eat up.”

“I plan on it!” Michael placed the cloth napkin in his lap, grabbing for his fork. “You really made this yourself... for me?”

“I did mention that I ate, too, right?” Brian didn’t want Michael to think that he’d slave over a stove for his benefit.

“Still... it’s the *thought* that counts. You could have let me suffer with toast and tea.” Michael took the first bite of the omelet, closing his eyes in decadence. “That... is fabulous! Heavenly!” Wiping his napkin over his mouth, Michael leaned over to buss Brian’s cheek.

Brian had swiveled at the perfect moment to cause their lips to touch. He let out a small groan of pleasure, unsure of what he should be feeling, or saying, at this moment. His hands tightened on the arms of the chair. Too much time was passing him by. He should be filling the silence with something profound. But he was finding himself strangely content with simply watching Michael. As long as Michael didn’t mind, what was the harm? He actually liked spinning Michael’s mind into agitation. Kept him on his toes. Things could get very interesting.

They let the uncomfortable silence dissolve as Michael cleared his throat, taking a sip of his orange juice. “Mmm, freshly squeezed.” He chomped on the pulpy bits in his mouth. As his eyes wandered over the table, realizing that Brian had gone all out to impress him. He lent over the table to set the beautiful centerpiece to rights. “Are these fresh flowers?” He tipped the basket to sniff at the heady fragrance. “What’s the occasion?”

Brian hooked his arm over the back of his chair to look at Michael. “You... and me...”

Michael was a little perplexed. “Explain exactly.” He picked up a slice of bacon to munch on while he listened.

“Well... both of us are single again. I just wanted to give us a chance to be together, like before. I had the vacation time, so I thought I should speed up the process and get my plans underway.” The way the words came out, Brian thought he sounded like he was plotting something dastardly. “I’m talking about the vacation and this place... nothing more...”

“Of course you are. Why would I think there’s something sinister behind this vacation?”

“Oh... I don’t know... since you know me so well... and I have, in the past, been guilty of hidden agendas...”

“Thanks for admitting it happened. But you’re not that same man anymore, Brian. Neither am I. In fact, both of us are scads different then what we were at fourteen.”

Brian laughed outright, covering his face, rubbing at his eyes. “Good Lord! I hope to fuckin’ Christ we are! Can you say...?” Brian plastered a big *L* on his forehead with thumb and index finger.

Michael giggled with pleasure. “Oh, God, yeah! None of THAT catastrophic embarrassment any longer.”

Brian snickered, his eyes glued to Michael’s flush of happiness. After weeks of moping around with his broken heart and spirit, there was the true nature of Michael pouring forth. He was born to smile and give a sense of euphoria. Sadness didn’t look justified on his features. Brian was constantly trying to make sure Michael never reached a point where he lost all hope. He’d slipped on his responsibilities of late. He thought Michael would be fine, get over the slump. He’d done it before. This one, with Ben, had been worse then he imagined.

Brian's hand reached out to brush back a fly away lock of hair behind Michael’s ear. “I don’t know, I’ve always thought you were kind of cute... and adorable.” The fingers lingered on the curve of the lobe to land near the soft jaw, tracing the familiar line. “You know what’s helped ME, Michael?” He was talking about after his break-up with Justin. “What has led me to where I am now?”

“What?” Michael nervously swallowed his bite of food.

“You... always...” Brian squinted toward the view of the sun through the high trees. “Even when you weren’t here... you were...” He cleared his throat. “Here...” He placed a fist on his chest. “... here...” His finger tapped gently on his temple. “And... here...” He reached to his left to place his palm over an old Converse shoe box. He weakly dragged the box down off the table into his lap. The things inside this tattered box were his secret saviors while Michael had been on the run with Hunter. “Would you like to see what’s inside, Michael?”

“Yes.”

Brian rested his forearms on his chair, allowing Michael the space to lift the lid. “Be my guest, but be tender with them. They’re a part of my best friend. Treasure them, like I treasure him.”

Michael shuffled his chair to face Brian. His anticipation building with every word out of Brian’s mouth. It felt like Christmas morning, almost... without the snow... and the stupid footie pajamas. As he lifted the lid he came face-to-face with the picture of his oldest and dearest obsession looking up at him in his natural pose, prepared for flight.

“Where did you find these?” Michael snatched the box, a bit hastily, causing Brian to help him carry the fragile keepsakes into his own lap. He treated it like a precious baby. Michael stared in wonder, at Brian and at the spiral notebooks carrying pictures of Captain Astro, Galaxy Lad and then the two of them together, fighting crime and battling villains. He recalled the moments he’d go buck wild to purchase every notebook come the weeks before school started, when it was time to shop for supplies. Not only saving money for the each issue of the comics, but for every other little item designed to market the super hero. Debbie would drive him to the local drugstore and he’d gather up a pile, some pencils, pens and the honorary, one-of-a-kind Captain Astro Trapper Keeper.

“In your bedroom closet. Debbie let me stay in your room a few nights, when I couldn’t sleep.”

Michael’s jaw dropped open. “You slept in my bed? You missed me THAT much?”

Brian tried to blow the comment off, like it was nothing. “I had some bad nights. When I couldn’t take much more of Justin’s *naggin’ wife* routine.” He saw Michael nod his head, a tad hurt that he’d misunderstood the sentiment of sleeping in the old twin bed. “And... I needed my dose of Mikey... I’ve kind of become addicted. I was sorely lacking a *fix* at the time. So I had to improvise.” Michael’s eyes gazed at him with quiet, sobering hope. “I fuckin’ ached for you...” His hand went to rest on Michael’s forearm, his fingers pinching the pale skin.

“Oh... Brian...” Michael reached up a hand to place at the nape of Brian’s neck, rubbing at the soft hairline. He drew that beautiful face toward him. “I’m sorry. I should have been there.” He pressed a kiss to the perspiring forehead, resting his face against the warm skin. “These are memories from a fourteen year old sentimental dweeb, Brian. A time best forgotten. What would make you even believe any of this stuff is true even now?” Michael was more ashamed of the lame stories and foolish dreams he’d written in these delicate pages.

Brian understood Michael’s need to let go of the past. He admitted that there was lost time all those eons ago. Time they could have filled with becoming closer then normal friends. But something told him all these years had made them both mature the way they were supposed to. So they would know when the time was right to make a serious decision. And Brian was going make damn sure Michael knew his decision before they left this place on Monday. His offer would last... forever, if he had his way.

Brian sniffed, lifting up his head. “Can I read you something?” He was already digging in the box, looking for the right cover he needed.

Michael pushed the shoe box to the edge of his lap. He couldn’t bear reading all that childish dribble he’d scribbled years ago, with his own voice. Brian could sing the words for all he cared. In fact, he was eyeing Brian’s lighter, wondering if the house had a fireplace. He had some good material to start a nice fire. “Sure. Go to town.”

Finding the one he needed, Brian yanked the notebook out. He licked his finger to help turn the pages. He was mumbling and muttering to himself, eager to discover the correct page where the story began. “Here it is!” Brian cleared his throat. He glanced over at Michael, sitting back prepared to recite the words that had already embedded themselves in his head.

Michael sat back, too. He always felt weird when someone read his stories, especially Brian. Brian knew how to work the words and emphasize the feelings behind them. Like Ben had said once before, “Writing, for any author, is like bleeding on the page.” Every secret fantasy, secret thought, hidden emotion and every ounce of your being... displayed on the clean white, wide-ruled pages.

Brian placed his arms on the chair, holding the spiral notebook on his lap to read the cursive writing. A fifteen year old Michael had someone sketch a rendering of Captain Astro and Galaxy Lad above the paragraphs. If memory served him right, HE had been the fateful artist. “** **Assignment: My Hero** **... ** _ **‘I guess you expect me to write about someone famous who I look up to, like all the rest of your students. An actor or actress who's mesmerized me? Or some jock who's impressed me with his talents and abilities? Some singer or rock band that I can't get enough of? Or maybe you want to know about my single mother who's trying to raise her kid on her own, working all hours to pay the bills? Or an uncle, who's closer then a father, who's been there when I needed a strong arm of courage or a shoulder of quiet calm and comforting advice? You'd be right, then. I could give you plenty of answers for each one, but they wouldn't be the truth... They wouldn't be who came to mind when I saw the word *hero*.’**_ ** ” Brian put his fist to his mouth to hold his emotions back.

“ ** _ **‘My real *hero* isn't made of steel, doesn't fly with a cape and has no constant sidekick to speak of. No super powers at all, although I do think he’s fairly *super*. He's made of flesh, he makes me laugh and he has flaws that frustrate. He's my best friend.’**_ ** ” Brian had to pause in order to collect himself, then began again. “ ** _ **‘He breaks my heart with his giving nature. No one has ever told him that they *love* him, but I do. I try at least once a day. I wish he knew how much he means to me, but I think he'd have some idea that I was weird, or stupid, run away scared. Crazy to care so much, but I do.'**_ ** ” Brian shook his head as the first tear fell. He was unable to stop it’s descent.

Michael scooted his chair closer, finding himself fitting his knees in between Brian’s spread legs. He placed a hand on one thigh and the other went to rub the bare forearm, soothing the emotions. “Oh... Brian.”

Brian moved his hand to cover Michael’s wrist. His touch was disturbing, causing him to want to fall completely to pieces. He had to get through this on his own. “ ** _ **‘I'd tell you his name, but I don't think that's what's important. What is important is what my thoughts are on what being a *hero* means? What I think is a portion of the *soul* of a *hero*... I think being a *hero* is simple. It's giving away a part of yourself, with no questions asked. It's being there when you’re needed and allowing yourself to feel lost in the moment. It's sacrificing your life, maybe your happiness, for the benefit of another. It's facing fears and hatred with your dignity intact... Smiling despite the rain, waiting for the eventual rainbow, but still engrossed by it’s awesomeness.’**_ ** ”

Brian sniffled back his sobs. A sweet smile spread across his mouth. “ ** _ **‘Heroes come in all shapes and sizes. All nationalities and sexes... Don’t get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with thinking someone famous is a *hero*, but you'd be neglecting the ones that are in the room, right now, with you. It can be a family member, maybe your own mother and sometimes... it’s your most special best friend. And that's unfortunate, if they never even know... I guess I must be insane. And that makes me smile, because, at least I was honest, right?... Here’s a quote to tide you over, Teach... ‘**_ **A friend is one who does not seek weakness of another, but who lends their strength and by their presence makes both stronger.** _ **’**_ ** ”

“Brian... come here.” Michael wanted nothing more then to hold his best friend in his arms.

“Is it true? Still?” Brian sounded desperate, out of breath. He had to be sure.

Michael was trying to wrap his arms around Brian, moving to the edge of his seat, but Brian wasn’t budging from his resting position. He was too busy wiping at his face, attempting to disguise his emotional state. “Is what still true?” If Brian wasn’t going to move, then Michael was coming to him. His hand reached out to cup Brian’s cheek. “That I think of you as my *hero*?” He climbed onto Brian’s lap, throwing the notebook back in the box. He wanted to get that thing as far away as possible.

Brian shook his head, avoiding Michael eyes. “No, that’s a moot point. After everything that’s happened... between us, apart from us... do you still love me?” He arranged his hand to cup under Michael’s thigh to hold him closer in his embrace. Sighing heavily, proud of himself that he’d gotten past the words that had been roaming around in his head for days, maybe weeks. He buried his face under Michael’s chin, feeling those unconditional arms of support grip him tight. Gosh, he sure *felt* loved. He simply needed to be reassured after all these years.

“That’s it?” Michael had been worried that it had been something more fantastical and difficult. This was easy.

“Isn’t it enough?”

“It’s everything, Brian.” Michael pressed a kiss to the crown of Brian’s mahogany locks. He lay his cheek, serenely at peace where he was, feeling Brian rub his fingers over the skin of his bare thigh, slipping under the gym shorts. “And I do...”

“You do what?” Brian played *dumb*.

“Love you... still” Michael petted Brian’s face and hair, running his fingers over each treasured, precious inch. "Always have..."

"... Always will..." There was such a sigh of contentment from Brian as his arms went completely around Michael to hold him tighter... and he felt safe enough to release the tears he’d been unable to cry since things had take a bad turn. Michael couldn’t NOT cry for him, as well. Strange how he found enough waterworks left over from his loss of Ben, to shed them for Brian. “You’re my *hero*, too, Mikey. And... I’ve never stopped loving you, I just forgot... I forgot why it was that you loved ME. Took me awhile to find myself again.”

“Welcome home.” Michael tipped Brian’s head back, pressing one kiss to his left eyelid, the next to his right lid... caressed the tip of the sharp nose with his mouth... until he was able to find his most favorite part of his best friend... those sweet luscious, kissable lips.  


 **==========THE END==========**


End file.
